Why?

One of the most important things I've learned in this journey (not the last week or so, but over the last few years that I've been struggling with my weight) is that you will always struggle with your body until you take responsibility for what has happened to it and own it.

A funny thing happened when I posted those "before" pics.

I psyched myself up for a week to get the nerve to post them. I cried, fretted, and had almost decided to scrap the whole idea of blogging about my journey. Ultimately, of course, I took them and posted them, linking the blog to my facebook page for everyone to see.

By far, the coolest thing to come from that is the phenomenal response I got from people on my page, and the overwhelming support! I post about going to the gym, and I get 14 responses now from people cheering me on. I have people following my blog and telling me (fat, frumpy ME) that I inspired them. It's crazy for me to fathom that I am inspiring people to better themselves, when I'm over here far from where I want to be. That has just been so amazing to have all of that outpouring of support for silly me to lose weight and get fit.

But that's not the "funny thing" I'm talking about.

The funny thing is, once I posted those pics, my weight, and my measurements, something changed in me. It was the most liberating thing in the world because I accepted what I had done to myself and publicly declared I was going to change it.

I don't know how to explain it other than I finally owned it. I am not where I want to be. I am the only one that can change that, because I am the only one responsible for getting to this place I am now. No one forced me to make unhealthy choices. No one twisted my arm to keep me out of the gym. Sure, I could make excuses and say things like "Well, no one stopped me from eating a box of cookies" or "Nobody argued with me when I said I wasn't going to the gym". But what good will that do? They're excuses. It shouldn't be anyone's responsibility but my own to say "Hey- a serving size is 2 cookies. You just ate fourteen. It's time to stop!" No one should have to fight to get me in the gym. I'm a grown woman, fully capable of making my own decisions- it shouldn't be anyone's "job" but my own to get me to care about my health and fitness.

I'm done hiding behind an ambiguous number that I wouldn't own up to or tell anyone, and I'm done being ashamed and embarrased. It is terrible that I wouldn't even tell my husband (who is my best friend, and supposed to be my confidant) my weight.

Some people decide to change for the best when they get bad news from a doctor, or find out some kind of debilitating hereditary disease runs in their family and unless they change their lifestyle, they're headed down that road. Some people decide to change (though not necessarily for the best, and more often than not, not permanently) because they have a spouse or significant other that demands it or else they'll leave.

And still others never decide to change because they don't have a strong, personal reason why they should.

A great friend of mine (Karen Pickard, who is also a Team BeachBody coach and deals in P90X, P90X2, shakeology, ChaLean, Insanity, and the like) posed this question to me a few days ago, and I've been working on an answer since:

What is your "Why"?

Your why, she told me, is what drives you to do this, do it the right way, and actually succeed. People try and fail to lose weight all the time, and often, it's because they don't know their "why" or it's not the real "why". It's easy for someone to say "I do it because I want to feel better". It's a lot harder to say "I do it because I want to walk up a flight of stairs without getting lightheaded and winded." or "I do it because if I don't, my diabetes is going to kill me." It's also so easy to be generic: "I am doing this because I want to wear a bikini." It's a much bigger step to go all out and admit: "I am doing this because I have never felt sexy in a bikini, even when I was thin, and I want to do what it takes to finally feel good about myself." To really dig deep inside and find your "why", it means that sometimes you have to address your "demons": negative body image, fear of the "unknown" (like getting some debilitating hereditary disease), or even laziness.

So many people struggle with weight issues. Whether it's being too skinny, skinny fat, or just plain fat, there are tons of us with body image issues that will never see results until those issues are addressed. That is why there are so many fad diets: The Smoothie Diet, The Cabbage Soup Diet, The Cleanse, The Fast...I can go on and on. Then there are all the pills, and worst of all the shots. All fast fixes. None are designed for long term because they're all terribly restrictive and dangerous. Even the South Beach Diet, which I did do, and did have success with, is done in Phases, with the final Phase being where you have finally changed your whole lifestyle. The first phase is only 2 weeks, after which you start having issues due to deficiences of essential vitamins and minerals unless you move to Phase 2 (or quit, which people often do, once they've lost the inital 8-17lbs the diet claims will happen). And, like I said, it's not that all of these people are "fat". It's that they all have issues with their bodies and are willing to do whatever it takes, as long as it's "easy", to fix it.

We live in a world of convenience, so the mindset for most is "What can I do to lose this weight fast? How can I get to where I want to be quickfastinahurryrightaway NOW?" We live in a world full of instant gratification. We expect everything to happen in a hurry, and the expectations we have regarding weight loss is no different. So what can we do to lose weight fast?

The fact of the matter is...You can't.

I didn't go to sleep one night at 120lbs and wake up at 194. This was a gradual thing caused by perpetual bad food choices and the wrong mindset towards fitness. My weight hasn't gone down since I was 20...only up. I can't honestly expect to see huge, dramatic changes over night, and neither can anyone else. I absolutely can lose 70lbs much faster than it took me to gain it, but only with a lot of hard work, a lot of dedication, and a lot of changes in my eating habits and how I perceive myself.

So, really. What is, deep down, my Why?

1. I'm ready to be proud of my body. For as long as I can remember, I've never been truly happy with how I looked. I used to be thin, but I still had flab everywhere. In college, I tried to eat better, but ended up eating worse. I went to the gym, but more or less because it was the thing to do- not because I was doing something to improve myself. Looking back on it, the only thing I did then was just slow down the weight gain- I wasn't really combatting it. I actually can't remember ever leaving the gym sweaty in those days. I also remember many times, my workout friend and I would say "Wow! We worked out really, really hard! I'm so tired! And hungry! Let's go eat!" and we'd leave the gym and head towards Los Compadres, McDonald's or Sonic. It's painfully clear I didn't have my best interests in mind in those days, and definitely not my health or fitness. From then on it just spiralled to the point I am at now. I'm ready to have a body like the ones I see in my fitness magazines. I'm ready to be proud of my shape and my fitness, and I know the only way to do this is to bust my ass to get there. I can think of no better way to be proud of how I look than to work hard to have the type of body I've always wanted but never had.

2. I want to be a role-model for my daughter. I have an awesome, spirited 21 month old, who thinks nothing of looking at herself in the mirror and proclaiming "Beyoootiful girl!" or telling people "I'm Ahsome (awesome)!" It is my goal to make sure that she does not have the body image issues that I did growing up, and that I'm the best example of healthy living to her that I can possibly be. I never want her to think she is anything less beautiful or awesome, inside and out. I don't want her to pick up her eating habits from the old me. I want to help her learn to make healthy choices, and the only way to do this is to do it myself. I'm not a "Do as I say, not as I do" type person. For instance, I'm not going to tell her she can't have tattoos, because I have 8 of my own. It'd be equally wrong of me to tell her to eat more fruit and vegetables while I chow down on a Big Mac, large fries, a large coke, and wash it down with a half a container of oreos.

3. I want to be more active. I consider myself a pretty well rounded person, but one area I'm lacking in is

physical activity. I don't do much outside, I don't play (and have never played) any sort of sports, I don't hike or bike ride, and it's all mainly due to being terribly out of shape. I am changing this because one of our goals with L is to do as much outdoors as we possibly can with her. Then there is another goal of mine: to complete a cycle of Insanity or P90X. We own both, and I've tried and failed both. I did a week's worth of Insanity and threw up after every work out. It's because I was just not fit enough! While I still think those people are robots and not completely real, I still want to go "Oh yea, Tony Horton? I can do that, too!" and actually do it without dying or puking.

4. I owe my husband a hot wife. No, seriously. I do. I know that sounds awfully superficial, but after all these years of "I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow"s and complaints, tears, and fits he's witnessed over clothes that don't fit, bathing suit shopping, and the like...I owe it to him to finally get up off my tail and do all the things I've been swearing I'll do. I want to be able to walk in this summer and show him a bikini I bought (instead of my usual burqua-esque bathing suit, cover-up, towel around the waist combination). PLEASE note that I don't want anyone thinking that JP has said anything negative about the way I look. He hasn't, and wouldn't. He loves me no matter what. Don't get me wrong, he is really happy I'm finally doing this, but because he wants me to be healthy & happy (2 things I haven't been). I just want to show him that I can be hotter than I've ever been before.

5. I want to be more confident in my skin. My friend Courtney over at 2k12transformation.blogspot.com started working with a personal trainer last year (maybe earlier, but I just started noticing the "change" last year). Now she works out with her boyfriend, who is in shape and fit enough to be a personal trainer, but anyway...Courtney has always been thin, but, like me, she struggled with liking the way she looked. She didn't feel like she was at her best, even though she's smaller than most people I know. So, she started working on her diet and logging serious time at the gym doing serious weight training. In October, I was at a birthday party and her sister was there. We started talking about how hard she was working and how much success she's had. Her sister said something along the line of "She looks amazing. She's always looked great but now...I just don't know how to explain it. How she carries herself is so different. She's so much more confident and her stature is so much ...stronger or firm or something. It's amazing the change!" That confidence is what comes with knowing you are working for what you see in the mirror- it's results, it's the hard work, and it's knowing that you're not wishing for your dream body, you're actually IN your dream body. THAT is what I want.

There are others, too, but not as big (or as serious, mostly) as those:

I want to wear clothes in single number sizes, and even from the Junior's department, should I find something that doesn't look like it belongs on a baby or a hooker.

I want to be able to dash up the steps at work without feeling like I'm going to pass out. (Yea, that example up top might have been me, possibly.)

I want to run, and I mean really actually RUN, a mile. Then two. Then 3.2 (a 5k). Then 13.1 (a half marathon).

I want to get to a point where I can unsubscribe to Lane Bryant's mailing list, and re-subscribe to Victoria's Secret.

I want to wear pants and not have a muffin top. Short waisted people like me that have extra belly fat tend to have muffin top in any pants when they're overweight.

I want to see myself in pictures and not cringe.

I want to buy a bathing suit that doesn't cover 70% of my body, and that doesn't cost and arm and a leg because it's made of NASA grade SPANX.

I don't want to run around wearing clothes that merely give the appearance of being thinner. I want to actually BE thinner.

I want to wear my UnderArmor jacket and sports bra tank top and not feel like athletic wannabe.

I want to be the best me I can be.

I am the size I am, nothing but hard work will change that, and I'm not stopping until I am the size I want to be.