Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall...

My facebook status from this morning is what spurred today's entry.

I woke up this morning (20 minutes before my alarm), threw my new glasses on (and had temporary blindness by how clear everything is-- I'm still getting used to actually being able to see), and shuffled to the bathroom.

I grumbled to myself, because, to my dismay, the only pair of black stockings I could find were not my usual control-top, smash-everything-down-and-rearrange-my-organs-in-order-to-appear-thinner-while-not-being-comfortable-or-able-to-breathe-all-day stockings. These were a cute pair of patterned stockings that are decidedly not in control of anything in the way of stomach flattening or thigh smoothing. Begrudgingly, I put them on, and then my skirt, tank top, and over shirt. I hadn't worn the shirt in a while; in fact, it is a size medium. But it was the first thing I grabbed in the closet, and as long as I didn't look like a can of busted biscuits, I was wearing it.

When I looked at myself, now dressed, in the mirror, I did a double take.

I didn't see a Weeble staring back at me.

(This is a Weeble...more or less what I felt like I saw when I looked in the mirror).

For months, probably years, actually, I have looked in the mirror and seen a little round blob looking back.

Maybe the description "Weeble" isn't totally true- I am more top heavy than bottom heavy. An upside-down Weeble, perhaps? Anyway, I have longed for the day that I look in the mirror and see a person I'm not completely disgusted by looking back.

Today was that day.

Now, I don't know what caused this change of heart. Maybe it's because I'm having a good hair day (I am, actually, truly having a good hair day. I've gotten compliments all day). Maybe it's because I haven't worn this shirt in a while and I forgot how much I liked it. Maybe it's because my eyes are still adjusting to the way higher prescription in my new glasses, and they've decided to play a mean trick on me and make me feel slimmer (or maybe, alternatively, I am literally actually seeing what I really look like since I can see so much better).

Or, maybe it's because the steroids are out of my system so I no longer have the steroid bloat and can actually see what 7lbs of weight loss looks like.

Maybe...just maybe...my body image and perception of myself is changing, and I'm ready to be proud of my accomplishments. Seven pounds is nothing to scoff at, especially considering how sick I've been for the last two weeks. Seven pounds is 11% of the weight I want to lose-- GONE.

I looked in the mirror for a few minutes, trying to figure out how I looked so different. I definitely have less bloat- probably because I'm not on the steroids anymore and also because I have cut out sodas nearly entirely and am drinking around 124-132 oz of water a day. I feel like my stomach looks flatter, so I'm guessing most of the 7lbs was in belly fat/water retention (we'll see how true that is at the end of this month when I take my measurements again). My face looks a little thinner (probably also due to being off the steroids), too.

I'm very anxious to get back in the gym next week. I'm breathing a lot better but I still have some instances where I have coughing fits. I still am getting winded a little quicker, too, so I'm not totally over the bronchitis (but I'm far better than where I was two weeks ago). I'm planning on taking it slow next week and seeing how my lungs react to it and working myself back up.

Last night, I ordered the trifecta of top rated Jillian Michaels work-out DVDs. I scored a great deal on them with no tax and free shipping from Amazon. They'll be waiting on me probably Friday when I get home from work. I ordered 30 Day Shred, Banish Fat Boost Metabolism, and No More Trouble Zones. The plan with these is that I will start doing the 30 Day Shred in the mornings, before work, while L and JP are still asleep. I wanted to do something quick-ish (these are around 30 minutes) that was still challenging, and would help me start my day off by working up a sweat and getting my heart rate going. The other two DVDs are longer workouts (45-60 minutes) so I won't be doing them in the mornings (at least, not right away) but I will be popping them in on the weekends (when I typically don't go to the gym) and on days where I can't make it to the gym for whatever reason. The good thing about these, from what I read, is that they're really intense and high impact, but they don't require anything special at home (meaning, I don't have to go out and buy weights or straps or chin up bars, etc). Now that we have a tv in our bedroom and one in our living room, I can do the work-outs wherever it's convenient (the living room when L and JP are asleep, or the bedroom when they're awake so I don't cut into Kung-Fu Panda Legends of Awesomeness time). I'm excited to try these out, and plan on giving some reviews of my own after I've done each for a little while.

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering how I fit this $20 into my budget...I had leftover Christmas money.

Maybe I'll look similar to this after doing those DVDs...we can hope/wish, right??

Speaking of using leftover Christmas money, we made two other purchases recently that will benefit our health.

If you're my friend on Facebook, you by now know I tried (and failed on an epic level) to make hummus a few days ago. I have no idea where I went wrong. Perhaps it was just a bad day in the kitchen. I don't know. But either way, I ruined the hummus, couldn't get my food processor to work, and burned up the motor in my blender. We drink a lot of fruit & veggie smoothies, so it was completely unacceptable to be without a blender.

So, my infomercial loving husband said "We need to get a Ninja." My non-infomercial loving self, did not concur until I A. read a ton of reviews praising the Ninja B. Looked up prices of blenders and juicers (and realized I would have to buy two separate pieces of counter-space hogging equipment to do the same thing that this one piece of equipment did) and C. Found it on sale for $20 cheaper at Wal-Mart.

And now we own a Ninja. And I admit, it is amazing.

It blends the smoothies much better than a regular blender. I don't know how, or why, but it does. I even made a Slim-Fast smoothie last night. I poured a bottle of my shake in there with a bunch of ice and it blended it to a frothy, milkshake like goodness. I'm a fan of the Ninja. We haven't used the juicing function yet, but I think we'll try it this weekend.

I'll be doing a recipe round-up blog in the next few days of some ah-may-zing smoothie recipes.

The second (smaller) purchase was a subscription to Clean Eating Magazine. I picked up the current issue at Kroger over the weekend to see what the fuss was about (and to find out how in depth the recipes were, and how wild the ingredients were). To my surprise, 95% of the recipes are 5 steps or less, very little difficulty to prepare, and require no "exotic" or hard to find ingredients. I have picked out five recipes (Chicken soup, Beef & Broccoli Rabe, Slow Cooker Roast with Risotto, Cincinnati Chili, and Pork Medallions with apples and barley) and made my shopping list. I'm really excited about making these dishes because they're healthy, full of awesome veggies, and make enough that we can eat on them all week for lunches and dinners. I can't wait.

I can't wait to report back to you all with those recipes (and pictures), too!!

Let's talk about snacks, baby! (And a bonus recipe!)

Let's talk about snacks.

I sit at a desk, in my own little cubicle, all day. There is a snack machine downstairs full of salty and sweet goodies. There is also a snack counter upstairs (which I can't totally fault- a friend is trying to raise money for her daughter to go on a Europe trip with school, so she's selling treats).

What do the former (sweet and salty treats) have to do with the latter (my own little desk area)?

Well...couple a very sedentary job with cookies, cakes, chips, and candy within reach, and you have set the perfect stage for Boredom Eating.

I am a boredom eater. I sit at my desk, left to my own devices, and find that I just want to munch. This can be extremely detrimental to a dieter or healthy eater, if you aren't armed with healthy options.

I used to run over to the snack counter and pick up a pack of poptarts or a little Debbie snack cake. Did you know that a serving size of poptarts is ONE poptart? Not a pack of two, like they're packaged...but one of them. And one is over 300 calories! Yikes.

Lately, since I've been packing healthy lunches, I've been loading myself down with snacks to help combat the boredom munchies.

I usually bring a cup of cherries, a cup of grapes, a serving of almonds or pistachios (sometimes I'll bring one of each), a mozarella string cheese, and a Slim Fast shake. Now, I know what you're thinking-- that is a LOT of snacks! But, I don't always (in fact, very rarely) eat all of them. And, even if I did, one day, eat them all, I'd be consuming 705 calories for all of that instead of close to 600 for just one package of Poptarts. Plus, I'd be eating a healthy assortment of filling foods- full of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants and good fats-- that would keep me going without a sugar crash all day, instead of one sugary snack food that would last an hour or two and leave me hungry again.

Think of it as quality AND quantity- you get more of these and they're better for you! That's a win/win!!

Here are some other snacks that I think are delicious, and all the right kind of filling:

hummus and celery (or cucumber, or green bell pepper, or carrot sticks)

1/2 an apple or pear (sliced thin) and 1 to 2 tbsp of peanut butter (or almond butter)

sliced green bell pepper and a string cheese

2 clementines or one naval orange

1 banana and about 15 almonds

vanilla greek yogurt with blueberries (or strawberries)

roasted chickpeas (recipe below)

string cheese and 5 or 6 cherry tomatoes (I'm not on board with this because I don't like tomatoes)

If you're looking for a chocolate kick, the Emerald Cocoa dusted almonds are delicious. They are regular roasted almonds dusted with dark chocolate cocoa powder. Great mix of sweet and salty, and an excellent way to hit the chocolate craving spot. Also, in the vein of chocolate, remember...dark chocolate, in moderation, is good for you. Moderation is the key word, here. One ounce of dark chocolate is enough to soothe a craving, but doesn't kill you with empty calories.

Something to remember with the hummus, nuts, and nut butters is to stick with the serving size. Though it is good fat that your body needs (and not the fat from a deep fryer), they still tend to be a source of higher amounts of calories so you need to be sure you don't over do it. A serving of almonds is 4 ounces, and it's 150 calories. A serving of peanut butter is about the same amount of calories, and a serving is usually 1 or 2 tablespoons. So if you're eating an apple and peanut butter, it's important to remember the 2 tablespoon limit, or else you're going to take a healthy snack and overdo it. It's easy to look back 20 minutes later, proud of yourself for eating a whole apple, and then suddenly realize you've had at least 1/4 of a CUP of peanut butter with it (which is waaay too many calories for a snack).

A tip that I have found so helpful is to pre-portion your hummus or nut butter into a small ramikin or glad-storage container and bring that, instead of bringing a whole container and trying to figure it out when I'm already hungry.

In fact, I pre-portion all of my snacks. I pour the cherries and grapes in a measuring cup and then into separate sandwich baggies. I have a scale that I can measure out almonds and pistachios (if the serving size is by weight and not a set portion size, like a 1/4 of a cup). And, if I'm bringing something pre-packaged (like string cheese), I only bring ONE serving.

Usually, around the end of the work day, I will drink a Slim-Fast. I am especially sure to do this on days I am heading to the gym straight from work. It gives me a little calorie and carb burst, with some protein, before I hit the treadmill and weight and burn a lot of calories. I can tell a difference in how I feel on the days I don't do that-- I'm more likely to get lightheaded and hungrier faster. Also, when I get hungry at the gym, it's hard to focus on the work-out, and by the time I get done, I'm so ravenously hungry that I am more likely to swing by a drive through on my way home. I get shaky and light headed when I reach a certain point of hunger, so the longer I can stave that off, the better.

One of my favorite snacks is roasted chickpeas. These little guys are pretty versatile because you can season them with whatever seasoning strikes your fancy. They're good for you-- high in protein, low in carbs. They're a recommended snack for Phase 1 of the South Beach diet. My favorite ways to make them are with greek seasoning and then with carribbean jerk or spicy seasoning but the possibilities are endless.

Here's the recipe:

1 can of chickpeas

seasoning (Italian, Greek, jerk seasoning, etc)

Preheat oven to 350.

Drain the chickpeas and rinse them a few times. The clear shells will start to come off-- pull them out and throw them away as you see them, but don't fret if you miss a few.

Cover a cookie sheet with aluminum foil and spread the rinsed chickpeas out in a single layer. Sprinkle as little (or as much) of your seasoning of choice.

Bake 40-45 minutes until chickpeas are golden brown. Store in an airtight container. They will keep for a few days (but I eat them up before then)!

Recipe Round-Up: Pesto Chicken Pizza

I love making homemade pizza, but I hate the calories, fat, and all the other bad stuff that comes along with pizza. So, I tweaked the traditional, and made this. And, (patting myself on the back) it's the best pizza I've ever made. JP and L both loved it. L had even already eaten her own dinner and still ate some. The best thing about this pizza is you can add other veggies as you want!

So...here it is....

Ingredients:
Pillsbury thin crust pizza dough
Orange bell pepper
Yellow bell pepper
baby spinach leaves
Basil pesto (I bought pre-made pesto from Publix but you could make your own if you were so inclined)
Part skim ricotta cheese (about 1/4 cup)
Fat free mozzarella cheese
10 oz can of chicken (I use Kroger brand 98% fat free)




Unroll the dough onto a cookie sheet sprayed with PAM.

The instructions on the dough say to pre-bake it. DO NOT do this. Just preheat your oven to 400.

Take a spoon and spread the pesto on the dough. I don't like a ton of pesto, so I spread it pretty thin. When you've got the pesto to your liking, spoon the ricotta on top of it. I spread it over the pesto so it mixes together. I don't use a ton of ricotta, either.

Then, top with the shitake mushrooms, peppers, and spinach leaves. I usually add onions but didn't on this one (only because I forgot). Next, open the can of chicken and drain it. Then spoon the chicken on top of all the veggies.


Sprinkle mozzarella on top.



Bake for 13 minutes, and when it's all a pretty golden brown....ENJOY!!

Nutritional breakdown (entered the recipe on MyFitnessPal)
This will feed 2 pcs of pizza to 4 people (I ate 3 and JP ate 4).

Calories per square: 191
Fat: 6.2g
Sodium: 511.7mg
Potassium: 26.5mg
Carbs: 21 g
Dietary Fiber: 1.2g
Sugars: 1.9g
Protein: 12.5g
Vitamin A: 8.6%
Vitamin C: 18.9%
Calcium: 10.5%
Iron: 7.0%

Staying motivated, inspite of being sick!!

Things have been a little quiet on the blog front in the last few days, and I apologize to those who actually read this. Having all this bronchitis-near-pneumonia mess has made it difficult to do anything (even pick up toys in the living room gets me winded) so I haven't had anything that I felt was really blog worthy.

I belong to an awesome group on Facebook called "The Downsizers". It is a group of women (about 15 of us) that all have similar weight loss/fitness goals. Most of us are police wives and know one another through Wives Behind The Badge. Anyway, I have been faithfully participating as best as I can over the last few days even though I don't really have any progress to report of my own.

Last night (either to their happiness or dismay, haha) I posted a few motivational quotes and photos I found on pinterest. I figured if I couldn't go and do it myself, then maybe I can help them out. It made me really start thinking of what I find motivational (other than those pictures I posted of my goal body parts).

The first quote that really stands out to me is this one, by a guy named Jerry Gillies (no clue who he is, by the way):

"Make sure you visualize what you really want, not what someone else wants for you."

I can't even begin to explain how important this one is to me, and probably to a lot of people (more women than men, I'd dare say, too). I spent so much time trying to be what everyone else wants of me that I lost sight of what I wanted for me. Does JP want me to be in shape? Absolutely! Do I want me to be in shape? Absolutely! Do I have a preconceived notion of what he considers in shape, and is it something unrealistic for me? Not anymore. I have said this before and I'll say it again: JP has never pressured me to lose weight or been mean about my weight gain. He has been nothing but supportive. It was me that placed unreasonable expectations on myself, thinking he wanted me to look like Jessica Biel or Olivia Munn, and wouldn't be happy with anything less. It took me a while to finally realize that I am not either of those women. I'll never look like Olivia Munn. I might be thin and in shape like her, but I will never resemble her (I'm not half Asian, for one). It wasn't until I realized that I may be able to obtain the body type like those ladies, but he doesn't love them- he loves ME (and he'll continually love me no matter what) that I was able to visualize what I really wanted from my body.

"No matter how slow you are, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."

This one is going to be my go-to motivator for the days that I feel like I have 1092305840 things better to do than go to the gym. I used to rationalize skipping a day or two (or twenty in a row) by saying "Well, I'd only be able to stay 20 minutes, and that's only going to be like 300 calories...why even bother?" When you start changing your perspective, it's easy to see that 300 calories here and another 400 there will add up if you're consistent. And pretty soon, 20 minutes will become more and more productive, and the calories burned will go up. Even a short workout is a workout if I bust my butt while I'm there and make it count.

This brings me to the next quote:

"Somewhere, someone busier than you, is working out."

Why is this important? Because it's TRUE! Someone with a newborn is working out harder than me. Someone with three kids under the age of 6 runs 30 miles a week, works 50 hours a week, and travels for her job all over the country (She really exists, folks, I know her). Someone who spends all day on their feet still makes it to the gym to run 3 miles and do some weight training. Why are they taking precious time to do this? Because they are about their health. They want to stay around, as healthy as possible, for their families and friends, and enjoy their life. When I really sit down and think about it, what would I really do that was as productive as getting healthy, in 45 minutes or an hour a day? The dishes can wait an extra hour in the sink. JP doesn't mind waiting a little longer for dinner to be served. I still get lots of quality time with my baby love L. I'm skipping out on an hour of time wasted on my butt on the couch, on facebook or watching tv. We have DVR. I can catch up on the tv. It'll still be there. If I don't get off my butt and do something about my health, weight, and fitness, one day, they won't be there.

"Stop rewarding yourself with food. You are NOT a dog."

This one just speaks volumes, especially in our society. It's your birthday. What do you do? Go out to dinner. You got a promotion at work. What do you do? Go out to dinner and have drinks. For me, if there was a dinner that was already planned (someone else's birthday dinner at Outback, for example), I'd eat super well all throughout the day. As soon as I'd sit at the table, I'd say "I did so well today that I am going to have some Bloomin' Onion. And a coke. And instead of getting the grilled chicken, I'm going to get that cheeseburger. And a dessert. Because I did SO good today." I'm not saying that a cheeseburger, piece of cake, drinks with your girlfriends, or a few pieces of Bloomin' Onion is bad and should be off limits forever. I'm all for indulging every once in a while. But not under the guise of "rewarding" yourself. If you got a promotion at work and want to go out for dinner and drinks- do it, but make healthier choices. Then you can reward yourself with something longer lasting than fattening, empty calories- like a new pair of heels or better yet, adding to a vacation savings to take your dream vacation (after all, you're making more money with your promotion now, too).

Once you are able to break the do good, reward yourself with food idea, the rest of the chains of emotional eating are easier to break, too.

"The only person standing between the body you have and the body you want is YOU."

As I've said before, no one made me make bad food choices, and no one hog tied me to keep me out of the gym. I am the only one responsible for these actions. As a result, I'm the one who stood in my own way of succeeding for all these years.

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."

This is especially important for me right now, since I can't make the gym a habit at this point because of being sick. What I can do is make sure I have enough motivation to keep me going until I can make it a habit. At this point, it would be really easy for me to scrap this whole thing all together, and give up because of this small setback. If I keep my motivation momentum going, I will be more likely to get well faster and get back in the gym harder and stronger than before.

Weekly Weigh-In, and a minor setback

I am typing this from my spot on the couch, that I haven't left in a while. I'm sick, and have been since Thursday. I have bronchitis that was thisclose to turning into pneumonia. Not only am I on antibiotics (to hopefully stop the development of pneumonia, and keep me safe from other germs while the bronchitis gets better), I have a round of steroid pills and TWO inhalers. I've also been expressly told to avoid the gym (or any other activity that can cause unnecessary physical exertion) for the next two weeks. This puts a serious damper on my momentum, though I understand why. If I do anything to aggravate my bronchial passages, I can cause this bronchitis to land me in the hospital, and we don't want that. If it turns into pneumonia because I don't rest enough, I land in the hospital. We'd like me to stay out of the hospital at all costs, even if this means giving up the gym for two weeks. At least it isn't forever. And it'll be nice to breathe clear and strong when I'm there, right?

My plans, since I can't go to the gym, have had to be adjusted a little now. All I really can do is try to eat as well as I can and stay within my calorie range, and hope for the best. I may do a round of the South Beach diet Phase 1 just to make sure I'm doing all I can. And I'll be able to rest assured that I'm feeding my body the vitamins, minerals, and lean proteins it needs to get better.

JP also bought me some new vitamins today from GNC. They are called "GNC Women's Ultra Mega for Energy and Metabolism". A quick run down of what's inside: 100% DV (Daily Value) Vitamin A, E, K, Iron, Iodine, Folic Acid, Biotin (healthy hair and nails, ladies), Zinc, Copper, Manganese, Chromium, and Molybdenum, 333% DV Vitamin C, 400% DV Vitamin D (which is important during winter when the sun isn't out as much), 2500% DV Vitamin B-6, 833% Vitamin B-12....tons of other vitamins and minerals, as well as a Metabolism & Energy Blend (which is black pepper extract, caffeine, capsicum seed), Green Tea extract, Lycopene, and more. They're the full deal when it comes to vitamins, and I'm excited to try them.

In my down time, I'm also going to read a few books. I'm going to re-read Run Like A Mother by Dimity McDowell and Sarah Bowen-Shea as motivation to start running, and I'm currently reading "Working Out Sucks" by the founder of my gym, Anytime Fitness, Chuck Runyon. I'm only about 30 pages into this one and I love it. I'm planning on writing a review of each of these, too.

So on to what you've been waiting for...my weekly weigh in. I couldn't do it at the gym today, obviously, but I was at the doctor's this morning, and they weighed me there. I asked if their scale was calibrated and they said yes, it was accurate within a half of a pound.

The number on the scale, after a week that was shaky at best (due to sickness):

190

That was with clothes on, so if I do the typical subtraction of 1lb for clothing, I'm at 189, and that is a FIVE POUND weight loss!!

Five pounds!! I was hoping for just two, so I'll for sure take five. I'm fairly certain most of this was due to lack of appetite from being sick (though I've been trying to eat healthy foods like veggies, fruit, and low-sodium soup) but it was nice to see that this week hasn't been totally blown by this stupid sickness.

My calorie burn total for the week was around 3000. This, of course, wasn't where I wanted it to be because I couldn't go to the gym (it's hard to walk on the treadmill when you don't have the lung capacity to make it from the bedroom to the kitchen without wheezing...stupid bronchitis) but I'm happy with what I did accomplish.

On myfitnesspal, I managed to stay around 300 calories under my projected goal, thanks to the calories I burned working out (and lack of appetite). This number isn't so low that I get the message telling me I'm eating too few calories, and it isn't over the allotment per day. I need to tweak a couple of areas in my diet-mainly add a few more veggies. I did great this first week with portion control, healthy snacks, and fruit. I just didn't eat enough vegetables.

All things considered, I'm pleased with this week, and glad it's in the books. I'm hoping to have as much success the next two weeks, even though I'm going to be mostly sedentary.

Why?

One of the most important things I've learned in this journey (not the last week or so, but over the last few years that I've been struggling with my weight) is that you will always struggle with your body until you take responsibility for what has happened to it and own it.

A funny thing happened when I posted those "before" pics.

I psyched myself up for a week to get the nerve to post them. I cried, fretted, and had almost decided to scrap the whole idea of blogging about my journey. Ultimately, of course, I took them and posted them, linking the blog to my facebook page for everyone to see.

By far, the coolest thing to come from that is the phenomenal response I got from people on my page, and the overwhelming support! I post about going to the gym, and I get 14 responses now from people cheering me on. I have people following my blog and telling me (fat, frumpy ME) that I inspired them. It's crazy for me to fathom that I am inspiring people to better themselves, when I'm over here far from where I want to be. That has just been so amazing to have all of that outpouring of support for silly me to lose weight and get fit.

But that's not the "funny thing" I'm talking about.

The funny thing is, once I posted those pics, my weight, and my measurements, something changed in me. It was the most liberating thing in the world because I accepted what I had done to myself and publicly declared I was going to change it.

I don't know how to explain it other than I finally owned it. I am not where I want to be. I am the only one that can change that, because I am the only one responsible for getting to this place I am now. No one forced me to make unhealthy choices. No one twisted my arm to keep me out of the gym. Sure, I could make excuses and say things like "Well, no one stopped me from eating a box of cookies" or "Nobody argued with me when I said I wasn't going to the gym". But what good will that do? They're excuses. It shouldn't be anyone's responsibility but my own to say "Hey- a serving size is 2 cookies. You just ate fourteen. It's time to stop!" No one should have to fight to get me in the gym. I'm a grown woman, fully capable of making my own decisions- it shouldn't be anyone's "job" but my own to get me to care about my health and fitness.

I'm done hiding behind an ambiguous number that I wouldn't own up to or tell anyone, and I'm done being ashamed and embarrased. It is terrible that I wouldn't even tell my husband (who is my best friend, and supposed to be my confidant) my weight.

Some people decide to change for the best when they get bad news from a doctor, or find out some kind of debilitating hereditary disease runs in their family and unless they change their lifestyle, they're headed down that road. Some people decide to change (though not necessarily for the best, and more often than not, not permanently) because they have a spouse or significant other that demands it or else they'll leave.

And still others never decide to change because they don't have a strong, personal reason why they should.

A great friend of mine (Karen Pickard, who is also a Team BeachBody coach and deals in P90X, P90X2, shakeology, ChaLean, Insanity, and the like) posed this question to me a few days ago, and I've been working on an answer since:

What is your "Why"?

Your why, she told me, is what drives you to do this, do it the right way, and actually succeed. People try and fail to lose weight all the time, and often, it's because they don't know their "why" or it's not the real "why". It's easy for someone to say "I do it because I want to feel better". It's a lot harder to say "I do it because I want to walk up a flight of stairs without getting lightheaded and winded." or "I do it because if I don't, my diabetes is going to kill me." It's also so easy to be generic: "I am doing this because I want to wear a bikini." It's a much bigger step to go all out and admit: "I am doing this because I have never felt sexy in a bikini, even when I was thin, and I want to do what it takes to finally feel good about myself." To really dig deep inside and find your "why", it means that sometimes you have to address your "demons": negative body image, fear of the "unknown" (like getting some debilitating hereditary disease), or even laziness.

So many people struggle with weight issues. Whether it's being too skinny, skinny fat, or just plain fat, there are tons of us with body image issues that will never see results until those issues are addressed. That is why there are so many fad diets: The Smoothie Diet, The Cabbage Soup Diet, The Cleanse, The Fast...I can go on and on. Then there are all the pills, and worst of all the shots. All fast fixes. None are designed for long term because they're all terribly restrictive and dangerous. Even the South Beach Diet, which I did do, and did have success with, is done in Phases, with the final Phase being where you have finally changed your whole lifestyle. The first phase is only 2 weeks, after which you start having issues due to deficiences of essential vitamins and minerals unless you move to Phase 2 (or quit, which people often do, once they've lost the inital 8-17lbs the diet claims will happen). And, like I said, it's not that all of these people are "fat". It's that they all have issues with their bodies and are willing to do whatever it takes, as long as it's "easy", to fix it.

We live in a world of convenience, so the mindset for most is "What can I do to lose this weight fast? How can I get to where I want to be quickfastinahurryrightaway NOW?" We live in a world full of instant gratification. We expect everything to happen in a hurry, and the expectations we have regarding weight loss is no different. So what can we do to lose weight fast?

The fact of the matter is...You can't.

I didn't go to sleep one night at 120lbs and wake up at 194. This was a gradual thing caused by perpetual bad food choices and the wrong mindset towards fitness. My weight hasn't gone down since I was 20...only up. I can't honestly expect to see huge, dramatic changes over night, and neither can anyone else. I absolutely can lose 70lbs much faster than it took me to gain it, but only with a lot of hard work, a lot of dedication, and a lot of changes in my eating habits and how I perceive myself.

So, really. What is, deep down, my Why?

1. I'm ready to be proud of my body. For as long as I can remember, I've never been truly happy with how I looked. I used to be thin, but I still had flab everywhere. In college, I tried to eat better, but ended up eating worse. I went to the gym, but more or less because it was the thing to do- not because I was doing something to improve myself. Looking back on it, the only thing I did then was just slow down the weight gain- I wasn't really combatting it. I actually can't remember ever leaving the gym sweaty in those days. I also remember many times, my workout friend and I would say "Wow! We worked out really, really hard! I'm so tired! And hungry! Let's go eat!" and we'd leave the gym and head towards Los Compadres, McDonald's or Sonic. It's painfully clear I didn't have my best interests in mind in those days, and definitely not my health or fitness. From then on it just spiralled to the point I am at now. I'm ready to have a body like the ones I see in my fitness magazines. I'm ready to be proud of my shape and my fitness, and I know the only way to do this is to bust my ass to get there. I can think of no better way to be proud of how I look than to work hard to have the type of body I've always wanted but never had.

2. I want to be a role-model for my daughter. I have an awesome, spirited 21 month old, who thinks nothing of looking at herself in the mirror and proclaiming "Beyoootiful girl!" or telling people "I'm Ahsome (awesome)!" It is my goal to make sure that she does not have the body image issues that I did growing up, and that I'm the best example of healthy living to her that I can possibly be. I never want her to think she is anything less beautiful or awesome, inside and out. I don't want her to pick up her eating habits from the old me. I want to help her learn to make healthy choices, and the only way to do this is to do it myself. I'm not a "Do as I say, not as I do" type person. For instance, I'm not going to tell her she can't have tattoos, because I have 8 of my own. It'd be equally wrong of me to tell her to eat more fruit and vegetables while I chow down on a Big Mac, large fries, a large coke, and wash it down with a half a container of oreos.

3. I want to be more active. I consider myself a pretty well rounded person, but one area I'm lacking in is

physical activity. I don't do much outside, I don't play (and have never played) any sort of sports, I don't hike or bike ride, and it's all mainly due to being terribly out of shape. I am changing this because one of our goals with L is to do as much outdoors as we possibly can with her. Then there is another goal of mine: to complete a cycle of Insanity or P90X. We own both, and I've tried and failed both. I did a week's worth of Insanity and threw up after every work out. It's because I was just not fit enough! While I still think those people are robots and not completely real, I still want to go "Oh yea, Tony Horton? I can do that, too!" and actually do it without dying or puking.

4. I owe my husband a hot wife. No, seriously. I do. I know that sounds awfully superficial, but after all these years of "I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow"s and complaints, tears, and fits he's witnessed over clothes that don't fit, bathing suit shopping, and the like...I owe it to him to finally get up off my tail and do all the things I've been swearing I'll do. I want to be able to walk in this summer and show him a bikini I bought (instead of my usual burqua-esque bathing suit, cover-up, towel around the waist combination). PLEASE note that I don't want anyone thinking that JP has said anything negative about the way I look. He hasn't, and wouldn't. He loves me no matter what. Don't get me wrong, he is really happy I'm finally doing this, but because he wants me to be healthy & happy (2 things I haven't been). I just want to show him that I can be hotter than I've ever been before.

5. I want to be more confident in my skin. My friend Courtney over at 2k12transformation.blogspot.com started working with a personal trainer last year (maybe earlier, but I just started noticing the "change" last year). Now she works out with her boyfriend, who is in shape and fit enough to be a personal trainer, but anyway...Courtney has always been thin, but, like me, she struggled with liking the way she looked. She didn't feel like she was at her best, even though she's smaller than most people I know. So, she started working on her diet and logging serious time at the gym doing serious weight training. In October, I was at a birthday party and her sister was there. We started talking about how hard she was working and how much success she's had. Her sister said something along the line of "She looks amazing. She's always looked great but now...I just don't know how to explain it. How she carries herself is so different. She's so much more confident and her stature is so much ...stronger or firm or something. It's amazing the change!" That confidence is what comes with knowing you are working for what you see in the mirror- it's results, it's the hard work, and it's knowing that you're not wishing for your dream body, you're actually IN your dream body. THAT is what I want.

There are others, too, but not as big (or as serious, mostly) as those:

I want to wear clothes in single number sizes, and even from the Junior's department, should I find something that doesn't look like it belongs on a baby or a hooker.

I want to be able to dash up the steps at work without feeling like I'm going to pass out. (Yea, that example up top might have been me, possibly.)

I want to run, and I mean really actually RUN, a mile. Then two. Then 3.2 (a 5k). Then 13.1 (a half marathon).

I want to get to a point where I can unsubscribe to Lane Bryant's mailing list, and re-subscribe to Victoria's Secret.

I want to wear pants and not have a muffin top. Short waisted people like me that have extra belly fat tend to have muffin top in any pants when they're overweight.

I want to see myself in pictures and not cringe.

I want to buy a bathing suit that doesn't cover 70% of my body, and that doesn't cost and arm and a leg because it's made of NASA grade SPANX.

I don't want to run around wearing clothes that merely give the appearance of being thinner. I want to actually BE thinner.

I want to wear my UnderArmor jacket and sports bra tank top and not feel like athletic wannabe.

I want to be the best me I can be.

I am the size I am, nothing but hard work will change that, and I'm not stopping until I am the size I want to be.

Awesome things happen when you go to the gym!

A very awesome thing happened yesterday when I went to the gym.

I decided (even though I expressly said I wasn't going to weigh myself more than once a week) to weigh myself on the gym scale. I did this because it's one of those old school doctor's office type scales where you move the weights to the different numbers. These are able to be calibrated and recalibrated often to reflect the most accurate weight possible. I had been weighing on my Mom's digital scale because, well, without going to the gym it was the only thing I had. I felt like it was pretty accurate but I found out yesterday it was wrong!

Because of that, I incorrectly reported my starting weight. It is not 197, but actually 194. This means I am 3 lbs closer to my goal weight without ever having to do anything. It feels like I lost the weight, though I really didn't. I am just really happy to already be looking at a smaller number, so I'm even more motivated to do whatever I can to make that number shrink!

Thanks, Joe (the owner of Anytime Fitness), for making sure the scale is accurate! It made my day!

I also had my first test last night (it was a test for JP, too): a family birthday dinner at Red Robin. We all know Red Robin is the epitome of greasy, fattening deliciousness with their towers of onion rings, sprinkle and whipped cream topped milk shakes (sprinkles, whipped cream, and ice cream are my favorites), and burgers as big as my face.

What is a person trying to eat healthy supposed to do?

First, since I knew ahead of time we were going, I tried to manage my calories leading up to dinner. I was going to go to the gym and do cardio, so I needed to have adequate calories and nutrients leading up to that (so I didn't get sick feeling) so I really thought before putting food in my mouth and made it as high protein and low carbs as I could.

JP and I pulled up MyFitnessPal (a free Android app- I have it on my phone and Kindle Fire, so it's never too far out of reach), and entered in Red Robin. We looked for the items with the lowest calorie content. From where we had worked out yesterday, we had some extra calories to splurge with but we still needed to keep it as low as we could. JP got a turkey burger with no cheese and no mayo and a side of fries (around 930 calories) and I got the Arctic Cod Fish and Chips (883 calories). Though there was queso dip and chips AND a tower of onion rings delivered to our table, we abstained. L enjoyed the onion rings immensely, though.

To save on some calories, I picked off about 85% of the breading on the fish, and I only ate half the fries. I still entered it as the full meal on MyFitnessPal (partly because I felt like I needed to, and partly because I don't know the exact subtracted calories from what I did). I know a full side order of fries, per Red Robin's own info, is 434 calories. I ate about half so I saved probably around 200 calories there. I figure maybe around another 50 or 60 calories by not eating the breading, but I am not sure.

If you don't have the MyFitnessPal app, I strongly suggest checking it out. It's free (and I'm sure there's an iphone counterpart) and has a food database of somewhere around 600,000 foods. It also has a strength and cardio tracker. You can literally find a calorie content for every piece of food that goes in your mouth and it's extremely helpful when you're out and trying to figure out the best thing to eat at the best place.

I honestly would not have figured the fish and chips would be within my calorie range. I was also shocked (horrified, even) to discover that my favorite foods there, a Whiskey River BBQ Burger, fries, and 1/4 of a tower of onion rings is almost 2000 calories. That's not counting a milk shake, or even a full fat frappucino from Starbucks afterwards!

(Note: My daily calorie intake is targeted to be around 1200 calories. So that one meal would've been my entire day plus more than half of the next day.)

I did so well yesterday that I even got to treat myself to a Starbucks coffee, and still had some calories leftover. (A tall, skinny caramel macchiato is 100 calories, for those wondering, and a tall, skinny vanilla latte is 90 calories, for you coffee lovers out there wondering).

I have also been pleasantly surprised to see how many calories I can burn doing regular activities. For instance, you all know one of my other goals is to get our house, car, garage, and everything else thoroughly clean and organized, so I've been doing some heavy cleaning. Cleaning, with light to moderate effort (which is your normal every day stuff- dusting, vacuuming a room, sweeping a room, doing dishes, etc) for 60 minutes burns over 200 calories. Cleaning with heavy effort (lots of laundry, scrubbing floors, vacuuming the whole house, scrubbing showers-- anything that makes you work up a real sweat) burns in the upwards of 400-500 calories if you do it for an hour!

Kind of makes you want to clean more, doesn't it?

The biggest accomplishment of the day, above all else, was actually making it to the gym. I have already mentioned this, but JP and I are members at Anytime Fitness in Lebanon. We have been for a long time (since before it opened, actually). JP has gotten far more use out of our membership than I have, though that will change this year. I felt like the prodigal son from the Bible, walking in there yesterday. But it's kind of like anything else, you have to get back on the horse/bike/whatever and just do it. I did cardio yesterday, just to get back in the swing of things. It felt good to work up a sweat, and I left looking forward to today. And, I left today looking forward to tomorrow (because I'll be tossing some strength training into the mix)!

On Sundays (since I'll weigh on Mondays), my plan is to do a week-round up blog where I'll log all my work outs, and what my calorie intake for the days were. I think that will help keep these shorter, as well as give me points I can look back on to see where I may need to tweak things for the best results.

In three days, I've burned approximately 1505 calories! Yea!!